Totally, Absolutely Legitimate Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The GMO-free cosmic forces of the universe suggest that soon you may find yourself tempted to be “healthy” or “productive.” Though these concepts sound appealing to your more rational side, you will find that sitting inside all day binging Netflix is the best way to align your inner energies.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The energies of romance are on your side today; your love interest will make awkward eye contact with you for a few life-altering moments. You should definitely propose on the spot, as the stars are clearly aligned in your favor. If you are rejected, it is likely due to your love interest’s chakras being conflicted, and you should not take it too personally.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Though your friends beg you to stop making bad jokes and puns, you should most definitely continue to do so. The forces of nature are on your side, and every distasteful pun you make will secretly bring joy and laughter into your friends’ hearts. When they stop talking to you, it’s because they are in denial of your comedic genius. Don’t worry — they will come around eventually. Your humor rejuvenates and uplifts the inner souls of those around you, so don’t hold back.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

You may think that it’s a good idea study for that upcoming test, but the elusive energies of luck are definitely on your side, so you should spend your time procrastinating instead. With the forces of fortune on your side, you will most certainly pull a high A; there’s no need to look over that silly twelve page review sheet.

Leo (July 23-August 22)

In the near future, you may be tempted to impulsively buy something that others say is a waste of money. In actuality, their minds are clouded by a negative force, which will prevent them from seeing the truth in the situation. You should follow your heart and purchase whatever you like as it is the destiny the star forces have
decided for you. Saving up money to be “financially secure” is a concept that only appeals to weak-willed people who are not truly living life to its fullest.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You may be feeling restless or under the weather recently. This is due to your classmates emanating negative energies, which are actually influencing your soul’s spiritual balances. The best solution to this problem is to be a positive force in your classmates’ lives by bringing them happiness and inner fulfillment, which will give your soul peace in return. Singing a few uplifting songs during class time would be a highly effective way to lift this negative aura, but if this is too forward for your tastes, there are more subtle methods. Leaning forward and chanting mantras into your classmate’s ear during a test can have an amazing impact on reducing their stress,
and they will surely thank you for it afterward. You may be kicked out of the room for “being a disturbance,” but no great revolution ever goes without its complications.

Libra (September 23-October 22)

The cosmic forces are on your side today, and you should take some great risks. Approach a stranger! Buy some thing on an impulse! Walk to NYC! Drop out of school! Your shy disposition holds you back, but go forward with confidence as nothing can go wrong today. Do not listen to those who doubt you as they are simply trying to hold you back.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

One of your friends will soon come to you with an issue of utmost importance and will ask for your advice; you are someone who is more than qualified to help them out, so assure them that they have come to the right person. Take your friend to an empty room, then ask them to meditate with you; their problem can be solved by dissolving negative energies, so with a bit of meditation, any issue they have will be resolved within minutes. If your friend refuses to meditate, force them to. They are just in denial and will benefit from your spiritual genius.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You will likely have an upcoming paper to write in your English class. Instead of actually writing it yourself, you should have your little brother/sister/pet do it instead as their natural energies are currently more aligned with the stars than yours are, and they will have greater success than you ever could. It’s not cheating, since you are merely unlucky due to your soul’s misalignment.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Though getting a full night’s sleep is said to be healthy, the cosmic energies suggest otherwise. Staying up late and procrastinating for several hours is the most effective way you can find your purpose in life as the earthly forces have deemed it so. Your inner spirit will be most in tune with the universe if you get as little sleep as humanly possible.

Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Due to negative energies plaguing your household, it would be a good idea for you to burn large amounts of incense in your room to lessen their strength. The spiritual power incense holds is well-known. The smokier your room is, the stronger your barrier against negative energy. If you are worried about the fire alarm going off, feel free to disable it.

Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Recently you may have had issues connecting with other people and properly displaying your emotions. This issue is easily solved through interpretive dance. As dance is a highly emotional art form, you can easily convey what you are feeling to those around you. The next time your teacher gives you a pop quiz or a bad grade, connect to them through spiritually-charged choreography. No one can resist the power of dance.