Hurricane Heist is a theft of two hours

WARNING: Spoilers ahead (but you likely won‘t watch this movie anyway)

After watching the trailer for The Hurricane Heist, I was dead (as was half of the cast). In just two minutes and ten seconds, I saw the “no witnesses” trope, the “where is she” meme and some “let’s go save the world” shenanigans. Those are all real quotes, by the way.

There was also some joke about citizens of the state of Alabama owning five billion firearms, but whatever. Already, The Hurricane Heist is shaping up to be another crappy action movie in which the special effects take priority over the screenplay.

Unsurprisingly, The Hurricane Heist flopped in theaters around the country, not earning even one tenth of its budget on opening weekend.

So how was it, really? I had to find out for myself.

The actual movie aside, my experience watching The Hurricane Heist was probably one of the best viewing experiences I’ve had at a theater—simply because I was the only one there. The seats were also pretty comfy. To be fair, it was a Tuesday night showing at 10:00 pm, but my complete solitude speaks to the overall underperformance of the movie.

The characters were a mixture of bizarre and boring. The strangest by far was main character and crusty-money babysitter Casey Corbin. Five minutes into her introduction, Corbin rams a truck into an already crashed car (with people still  inside it) and proceeds to drive straight through a tobacco field while cracking a smile and engaging in awkward side conversations.

The main antagonist is the archyetpal one who wants money, so he tries to steal cash that was on its way to be shredded. However, he doesn’t get any of it because he’s the bad guy, and you’ve got to stop the bad guy, right? Theft is theft and theft is wrong, but when the plot revolves around stopping someone who tries to take money that belongs to no one, it’s strange to see the main characters start to systematically kill off the bad guys.

To the movie’s credit, there are a few aspects of the story that are much less laughable. The logic the characters used in making their decisions and their motivations were really well fleshed out. The information the characters had about what was going on and what to do next based on that information felt reasonable and made sense for the most part. In a scene where a Corbin wanted to take a baddy’s firearm, she explains briefly that she can use her pistol with no ammunition as a bluff.

Instances where characters explain themselves or talk about some plan of theirs can seem lazy from a storytelling perspective, but it seemed to fit well enough. Then again, there were also times char- acters would do really dumb stuff, like shooting at the one person they need alive or deciding to build a car bomb by looting supplies from of the local Lowe’s.

The dialogue was painful to listen to. Boring conversations were there only for some basic character introduction and provided very little background into the lives of the characters. Thinking back  to the very beginning of the movie, Corbin and the undercover main antagonist discuss something unmemorable when suddenly the evil villain mentions something about Corbin not knowing many things about him. Boring and unoriginal work perfectly together to make me want to leave the theatre.

What really ruined the movie (if you didn’t already consider it ruined) was the ending. At this point, some other inferior reviewer might write something along the lines of “I really don’t want to spoil the ending, but…” and then go on to say something vague that infuriates the reader more.

However, The Hurricane Heist ended abysmally, so here goes.

All the bad guys die. Literally all of them. Unlike other ridiculous thrillers, The Hurricane Heist has a wide array of somewhat relatable antagonists you get to bond with for the first ninety percent of the movie. They may all be unoriginal archetypes (no surprise there), but they also felt real enough to deserve an end other than a ridiculous cop out. However, just as the bad guys are about to escape with literal tons of money, the good guys hunt them down to save the girl. Either they shoot them somehow while riding in tractor units or force them into the storm.

Overall, The Hurricane Heist is not horrible, but also not quite okay. To put it in perspective, it’s not the worst way you could spend two hours, but more likely than not it would be more productive to binge watch the Veggie Tales television series in that same amount of time.